Hitting the Limit

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There are times as a special needs mom that I have to take a break. It is hard to keep up the level of energy and optimism required to keep my kids happy and safe and cared for all the time. The last few months the Atomic Punk has been on the road and I have been parenting alone during the week. I do have help from Grandma once a week, but I am pretty much on my own.
The thing is, I also suffer from depression. I am a three time loser in the depression wars. I am on antidepressants for the long term. Even though I take the medicine, my depression will wax and wane according to events in my life, just like anybody's mood would. I don't take enough medication to elevate my depression entirely, just enough so I can function on a daily basis. It is a delicate balance. After Random Guy was born I suffered from postpartum depression, which was my last major episode. I have reduced my antidepressants so I can stay alert enough to care for my kids and keep track of everything.  I have to cut back to the basics for now. The basics includes a clean house (not tidy, clean,) clean clothes, clean kids, food and making it to all the weekly appointments. Stack on allergies, Atomic Punk's work stress (yes, I am his sounding board too,) and SensiGirl having impacted 6 year molars and I just want to give up. It's like living under a wet blanket.

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This week I am hitting a wall. It is too much sometimes to attend an evening meeting every week or so. It is definitely not a good idea to do a Parent Resource Group meeting on Friday, attend my friend's first professional storytelling show Saturday, SensiGirl's IEP meeting on Monday and an Autism Family Resource Group on Tuesday. That is in addition to our regular twice weekly OT sessions and twice weekly speech therapy we squeeze in after school and before dinner and homework, (yes, my kindergartner has homework too.)
There comes a time when you have to pick and choose your priorities, right now it has to be myself. If I go under, the whole family does too. So I sent my regrets to the Parent Resource organizer and my storyteller friend and am just trying to stave off the impending depressive episode. I can't not function at this point. It is a struggle.  Blogging is in that narrow area between taking care of me and giving of myself; so I may be a bit irregular in my posts the next few weeks or so while I get myself sorted out.

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Combat Stress

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This is what I feel like at the end of the day, and sometimes during the day when I am finally still and alone. If I am with my kids I have to be on alert,  apparently just like a combat soldier.  The times I have been off target didn't have the same dire results as someone in combat, but I did relearn why I can't relax unless I know the kids are off to school or asleep.  It doesn't feel like I am at war, and  I am not saying that I have to do anything close to what those in the military do in their daily lives.
 I do know I put myself last a lot of the time and it is hard to put yourself first when you have to stay a step ahead of what's going on.  It's not the same as post traumatic stress disorder, instead it is the daily running on alert over a long period of time that causes caretakers to have stress related health issues.
In a recent study they tested moms of adolescents and adult with autism.  They followed a group of moms who care for adolescents and adults with autism for eight days in a row. Moms were interviewed at the end of each day about their experiences and on four of the days researchers measured the moms' hormone levels to assess their stress.  They found that the hormone associated with stress was extremely low, consistent with people experiencing chronic stress such as soldiers in combat. These findings can be read here:

http://www.disabilityscoop.com/2009/11/10/autism-moms-stress/6121/

Just recently I let my guard down when I was sick, I nodded off on the sofa and awoke and realized what had happened; I found SensiGirl  upstairs using Random Guys scissors to cut off her hair.  There have been a few moments like that over the years.

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I think the common factor caregivers have with the combat soldiers is not being able to let your guard down, not to let your attention to get too divided,  nor forget about what you are doing or what is going on in your surroundings .  If I don't keep track of SensiGirl's movements I will pay with a mess to clean up at the least, or a trip to the doctor at the worst. We've gone to the doctor for peas up her nose a couple of times. She doesn't do that anymore, as she grows up her messes grow developmentally with her.  I clean up slimy hand lotion messes off SensiGirl and her bedroom floor at least monthly. (I have really dry skin and if I don't keep the hand lotion  handy, well it doesn't get used and I am back at the doctor's office with cracked hands.)
I try to give her more sensory things to do, like helping make the pizza dough, sensory toys,  or Sensory Science Friday, but every time I relax and forget about things, there it is, one of her messes. Painting the kitchen in ketchup was memorable.

image from : http://0.tqn.com/d/chemistry/1/0/m/T/1/ketchup-prank.jpg

 The good that comes out of the the studies and the comparison it makes is caregivers and their doctors recognize the daily stress Moms' experience is real.It may make them take the effects of stress from care-giving a special needs kids seriously. The illnesses that come from constant daily stress are real. Take care of yourself. Now, I think I will go take a nap. (It's okay, they are at school.)