Social Groups for Teaching Social Skills

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I have said before that my kids are system based learners, so I need to give them systems to learn.  The randomness of some social interactions still puzzles them. Heck, some social interactions puzzle me. With kids on the autism spectrum they need systemic ways of learning social rules and manners.
Let's look at a systemic way of teaching some of these skills, social skills groups.  Random Guy has been in a social skills group at school since kindergarten. SensiGirl has her own social group with the Girls' Club at her school. Lunch buddies or peer mentors at school have been helpful too. Some schools don't have these programs, or your kids are at a developmental stage or of an age where they need more help than a school pull out once a week, and you need to find resources for them in your community.
Our community has several venues for teaching these skills, look for similar groups in your area. The Autism Society of Minnesota has several groups now under the umbrella of the Eagle's Nest, divided by age to teach what it means to be social and instrumental social skills. They start at age 8 and go up to age 19 now. There has been a lack of community social outlet services for that older age group, but I am starting to see that change.  Our neighbors in Highland Park have the inclusive Highland Friendship Club for typical and special education teens ages 14 and up. The Jewish Community Center of the Greater St. Paul Area is very inclusive with programs for children and teens. We also have the City of St. Paul Adaptive Recreation, and Special Olympics Minnesota which teaches confidence and team work, as well as a venue for making friends and getting the kids involved in sports. The sharing of interests can open up opportunities for friendships.

Some parents have pointed out there is a distinct lack of social skills groups for ASD girls.  They have said that the American Girl publication A Smart Girl's Guide to Starting Middle School has been extremely helpful in explaining social situations the occur in school.

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You must teach your children what is a friend and not a friend, as bullies will try to make light of aggressive behavior by trying to pass it off as friendship when caught. Random Guy and I have been having lots of discussions about what kind of behavior is that of a friend since he started reading the Wimpy Kid books.  The main character has displayed poor behavior towards his friends on several occasions.  He has blamed his bad behavior on his "best" friend, broken his friends hand and pointedly ignored another classmate and got the other kids to go along with that game. We have talked about how those actions are not those of a true friend.  The fact that the Wimpy Kid is so concerned about popularity also is a teaching tool;  I have told Random Guy that it is not how many kids like you, it's how well you are liked by your friends. If you know a series of books that is in the style of the Wimpy Kids books but shows good friendship behavior, let me know.  I need all the help I can get.

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A special thanks to SensiGirl's teachers, Random Guy's school social worker, and Marsha Baer of the Autism Society of MN
resource: Kay Burke, Ph.D., Hierarchy of Social Skills http://www.phschool.com/eteach/professional_development/teaching_the_social_skills/essay.html

My Daughter Ate Cinderella

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Sometimes when I hear my friends talk about their children's social lives I feel sad. I know there have been times when I have listened to children my SensiGirl's age or younger chatting and have grieved for the chatty Kathy I thought I would have. I know other special ed. parents have grieved for the simplicity of having a typical child. But is it really that simple?

I don't grieve for the girl SensiGirl won't be: the mean girl, a popular girl, a queen bee.  I don't have to worry, her being the kind of girl I have read about in "Cinderella Ate My Daughter." (Actually, with SensiGirl's oral sensory stuff, she ended up eating Cinderella.) I don't see how she could possibly be one of the girls in "Aggression Among Female Adolescents."  When I hear them talking on the radio about the latest peek into girls' social lives, I am relieved that SensiGirl is the way she is.  To be quiet honest, I don't see SensiGirl caring about social kinds of things any time in the near future. She doesn't even try to fit in, and looking back on my childhood, maybe that is a better way to be.  I was miserable trying to fit in until I realized I just couldn't and stopped trying in high school. Contrary to what is being taught to teachers, social ability in school is not an accurate predictor of adult success and happiness.

My daughter still shows love and affection for the people important to her in her life. She is aware and connected to us. She just doesn't really care about the social stuff with other kids or at school.  She has her art, music and a family that loves her. I think she is comfortable with that for now.

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Now, Random Guy cares more about being liked, but not enough to play rough with the other boys just to fit in. He would rather find like minded kids and hang out with them instead of roughing it up with the "in" crowd.  He is aware of popularity more now that he has read the Wimpy Kid books. He tried to keep up with the more "social" boys last year and all they did was give him grief. So even though I think he wishes to be a bit more popular, he doesn't care enough to move out of his comfort zone. I have told him many times it isn't how many kids like you; it is how well you are liked. We talk about how a real friend acts and check to see if he and his buddies are behaving that way.

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I am getting glimpses of what they are going to be like when they are adults. I can see Random Guy grown up and having a family, I can see SensiGirl going to college and pursuing her art or music, but as far as grieving the children I thought they were going to be... it only hurts a little, and not very often.

A special thanks to Solodialog.com for making me think about my grief and how I really feel about it.
http://solodialogue.wordpress.com/2012/03/09/the-blue-horse/

Girls' Club

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I am thankful for SensiGirl's autism program at her school.  The teachers there really do get it about these kids.  I was wonderfully surprised by how well they get it when I arrived one Monday last fall. I was picking up SensiGirl for speech therapy and was told she was with the Girls' Club across the hall. I open up the door to see all the girls from the program having a tea party and making necklaces from fruit loops.  They were all chatting and the older girls were anxious to tell me things about SensiGirl.  Apparently, there are only about eight girls in the whole K-6 program and it was decided to give them a little extra social girls time together once a week The girls seem to really love it. It was a nice little extra I didn't know about when I had her placed at her school.

As I am finding out there are a lot of little extra things all her teachers do for the kids. As the kids grow and change, the teachers are chasing their moving targets to get the most out of school for the students. So even though I cried last spring when I was told that SensiGirl was to go to a federal setting 3 placement, (apart from regular education classroom more than 60% of the time,) it really has turned out to be the right place for SensiGirl to start school.  She has to security of the small class (11 kids,) and a room set up for kids with sensory issues. She goes into the regular education kindergarten class for writing skills. Since she loves to write and draw, it's a great way to get her used to the regular education classroom.

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So even though SensiGirl doesn't seem to care much about social stuff right now, she is still learning how to play with other girls, seeing other girls doing girl things and knowing what that is like.  When she does care, she will have had some help finding and keeping friends. How cool is that? It is nice to see how the other girls look out for my SensiGirl instead of tearing her down as I hear they do in regular education settings.   I am thankful for Girls' Club and the Speech and OT teachers who came up with a really excellent idea.